What if He...?

What if he watches football or baseball all day,
The Vikings, the Gophers, the Twins?
What if he stares like a zombie?
What if his team never wins?

What if he’s deaf as a dormouse,
(And soon will be dead as one too)?
What if I have to scream to be heard
And he’s cranky?   What do I do?

What if he writes dopey pomes all day
That give his whole family the willies?
Yeah, roses are red and violets are blue;
It’s all tulips, lilacs, and lilies!

Fine, if he’d keep his damn pomes to himself,
But he puts them on FaceBook and Twitter.
Perseverance is a laudable thing,
But in his case, we pray for a quitter!

What if his jokes are offensive,
Misogynistic, and rude?   Not great.
“D’ya hear ‘bout the cross-eyed seamstress?
No? Well, she couldn’t mend straight.”

What if his exes DON’T live in Texas
But here in town?   It gives me the creeps.
When one of these ladies dies of old age,
Mr. Sensitive breaks down and weeps.

What if I wanted a man who was handy
To help keep house and home humming,
But a lightbulb can flummox this genius?
Nostradamus nor I saw THAT coming!