Are you looking to retire?
Are golden years what you desire?
Looking for the quiet life?
Get married first. You’ll need a wife.
Well, there’s Lisa. She’d be simple.
True, but Lisa has that pimple.
How about that red-head, Peg?
She’s sweet, but has a wooden leg.
C’mon, don’t be such a stickler.
At your age, you can’t be partickler.
Babs? Too fat! Barb? Too thin.
Fran? Too smart, I’d never win.
How ‘bout Mary? She’s a scholar.
Mary? Sure, why not? I’ll call ‘er.
She said, YES! So there. That’s done.
And she has a dog. Won’t that be fun!
And after you have said, “I do.”
One dog is fun. But why not two?
Chester’s lonely. He needs a friend.
One more will be a dividend.
“Two, Dear? Won’t that make me cranky?”
“NO!!” And so we welcomed Frankie.
And when it’s time for them to walk,
You’ll gladly take them round the block,
And should they, on occasion, poop,
Mary’s purchased you a scoop.
They’ll romp with you around the yard.
You’ll teach them tricks. It won’t be hard.
But somehow they teach you instead,
And soon they’re sleeping in your bed
Where nightly both awake at three;
They need a snack and have to pee.
And all those unforeseen expenses,
Kennels, beds, and doggy fences,
Pet insurance, trips to the vet,
Medicines that run up debt,
Nostrums for the little dears
To squirt each Tuesday in their ears.
Drips to ward off flea and tick,
Tears and worries when they’re sick,
Barking, neighbor problem stresses,
Rug machines to vacuum messes,
Exotic foods beyond belief,
Flavored turkey, salmon, beef,
Doggy treats and fluffy toys
With squeaks inside to make annoys.
Hoped you’d travel? Well, here’s the news:
Dog owners never book a cruise,
Or bike, or hike, or trek, or roam,
You’re stuck at home with your dopey pome.
But finally Wifey, the kids, and me
Can proudly present our family,
Though it’s been a long and muddy slog:
Chester, Frankie, and... Mr. and Mrs. Dog.