I’ve crisscrossed Minnesota
For seventy years.
It’s used me, abused me,
And brought me to tears.
All set-backs and let-downs,
Sad endings and angst,
It’s long on demands
And way short on thanks.
Outlawed and whip-sawed
In Myrtle,
I was gut-checked and hen-pecked
In Fertile.
I got carjacked and gob-smacked
In Orono,
Then kissed off and pissed off
In Faribault.
Cold-cocked and mocked
In Eyota,
Slashed, bashed and tongue-lashed
In Zumbrota,
In Barnum and Bagley, I was scared
By a clown,
Then Herman hurt me
In Hermantown.
I was called out and balled out
In Isanti,
Defamed, blamed, and shamed
In Beltrami,
Savaged in Savage,
Taunted in Taunton,
Hectored in Hector,
And flaunted in Fountain.
Pistol-whipped and pink-slipped
In Slayton,
I was booed and poo-pooed
In Dayton.
I fell off a bridge
In Mendota;
In Mankato I wrecked
My Toyota.
In Lester Prairie
Lester hit on me;
In Pelican Rapids
The pelican shit on me.
Misquoted and scapegoated
In Hoyt Lakes,
I was kneed and TP’d
In Detroit Lakes.
I was not quite bled white
In Chaska,
Then romanced and pantsed
In Itasca.
Unfed and misled
In Little Marais,
I was finally found dead
On a street in Cloquet.
It’s a woebegone state,
All worry and care,
Misery, sadness,
Pain, and despair.
In the winter your nose
And your toes get all froze.
In summer you’re
Sweaty and prickly.
It’s so melancholy
No one is jolly,
And it’s all over
Much too quickly.