Headlines

Norman Rockwell raised his bitter cup, toasted witnesses, and died willingly today. He
               chose hemlock over strangulation for having misled a generation.

Following the notorious Charlie Brown trials, the Federal Bureau of Book Burning brought
               Charles Schulz from his cell this morning. Jailed for his treasonous depiction of
               qualities unbecoming a Superpower...doubt, indecision, and shyness, he watched
               the burning of Charlie and Linus.

Science triumphed today in the resurrection of Emma Lazarus. Her advocacy of the
               lower classes and huddled masses is deemed sedition, for which the judgment is "rendition."
               Her clone was flown to Gitmo for re-cyborging, electro-correction, and some water-boarding.

Demolition of the Lincoln Memorial was begun yesterday. The politically incorrect
               landmark will be replaced by the new Brotherhood Monument, ending decades of
               bitterness between North and South. Giant figures of Abe shaking hands with
               Jeff Davis will tower over the reflecting pool, guarded days and floodlit nights, Abe
               for saving the Union and Jeff for his civil rights.

Jeb Bush announced for President today. He will run on the proven platform of his family dynasty:
               freedom from addiction to foreign oil. His running mate, he was pleased
               to say, the fully acquitted Kenneth Lay.

Our sacred First Amendment has been reaffirmed. The Supreme Court ruled
              pornography fully protected speech, cleared for broadcast on all media: music,
              internet, television - dishes and cables. And apple pie will carry warning labels.

We once thought we all were protected...by the press...from the thugs we elected,
              that the power elite couldn't cheat us too much, when exposed by Woodward
              and Bernstein and such. A newsman once was a hero, ala Cronkite and Mencken
              and Murrow. But now Rupert Murdoch and big corporations own all the papers
              and radio stations, and the likes of Fox News turns its talents to protecting our
              fairness and balance.

And they discovered this about headlines. You can air any problem, scandal, or
              catastrophe and be amazed what the public will swallow up, as long as there isn't
              a follow-up. "Nothing in depth" is the rule, because, of course, most problems are
              far too nuanced, complex, and involved. Just mention it briefly in passing and the
              people will think it's been solved.

So don't worry about health care, education, global warming, war, torture, corruption,
              lobbying, leaking, and lying, or wiretapping or domestic spying, because the real
              news is who Ben and Jenn are kissing...or, better yet, a rich, white girl gone missing.