Adam and Eve
ADAM: Are you forgetting what God said about my rib? “And she shall be called Wo-man, for she was taken out of Man.”
EVE: By which you conclude what, exactly?
ADAM: Well, that He made me first, of course. I was His main idea as regards the human animal, and then, you recall, he paraded all the animals for me to name, and He was hoping I might find a “help meet” among them. Then when I didn’t take a shine to any of them, He put me to sleep to see if I would dream of a “help meet,” and apparently I dreamt of you.
ADAM: Well, a couple a things. First, not even God could think YOU up; He needed my input. And then, as I’ve said, I was first, and you were an afterthought. What else could He mean?
EVE: Here’s what else. He didn’t create you first at all. He created an androgyne.
ADAM: A what?! That’s gobbledy-gook!
EVE: And what’s gobbledy-gook?
ADAM: You’re forgetting. I got to name the animals. That’s turkey talk.
EVE: OK, I can talk turkey too. God originally created an androgyne, male and female together, equally, in one creature until He separated them. Why not see it that way?
ADAM: “...Wo-man, because she was taken out of Man.” That’s what He said. And where did you get this “androgyne” thingy idea?
EVE: From that other guy in the Garden.
ADAM: Other guy? What other guy? There’s just God, me, and you.
EVE: No, there’s another guy. He doesn’t look like God exactly, but he kind of talks like Him. He uses “surely” a lot ... stuff like that.
ADAM: And you talked to him? What else did he say?
EVE: Well, about that tree that God said, “Do not eat of it, or thou shalt surely die.” This guy says, “Ye shall NOT surely die, but your eyes shall be opened and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.”
ADAM: Yeah, but maybe we shouldn’t...
EVE: Yeah, but I already did ... and it’s really neat, and he taught me about androgynes and a lot of other cool stuff and said I should give you this apple to eat also.
ADAM: That’s a pomegranate. I named those too.
EVE: Whatever. It’s from the Tree of Knowledge.
ADAM: What else did this guy tell you?
EVE: He said Donald Trump was smarter than all the generals, had the best brain and the best words, and only he could fix it.
ADAM: And what’s that gobbledy-gook all about?
EVE: I have no idea, but this guy seems to know a lotta stuff. And you know what else he said about YOU?
EVE: He said you were created with much too much EGO. Therefore, because all babies will come from women after this, He used a reverse pregnancy myth for MY creation so you could say, “Yeah, but originally women came out of my stomach.” Isn’t that pathetic!?
ADAM: Sounds right to me.
EVE: OK, you better have some pomegranate then, dummy.
ADAM: What the heck. Gimme that.
TWO DAYS LATER
ADAM: Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into. Look, we’re out of the Garden with burning swords at the gate. We’ll never get back in. And these dumb aprons you made are scratchy and keep falling down. Why do we gotta wear these?
EVE: Don’t you listen to anything? It says, “They saw they were naked and sewed fig leaves together and made aprons to cover their shame.” Of course He didn’t supply any needles or thimbles or thread or a Singer machine or anything, so I did the best I could.
ADAM: Fig leaves laced together with sticks...swell. And what’s so wrong with naked? I kind of liked naked.
EVE: It’s not civilized. It’s shameful.
ADAM: Well, if you’re gonna civilize everything, start by making some better aprons. Needles and thimbles? Who ever taught you about needles and thimbles, that “other guy?” And whatever happened to him?
EVE: Very strange. As we were leaving, I caught a glimpse of him crawling on his belly in the dust. D’ya notice how dust is all over this Creation business. He blows on dust to make you and me. The good part must be God’s breath and the shameful part dust, I bet. Then he punishes that Johnny Appleseed guy by making him crawl in the dust. Then He taunts us with returning to dust cuz dust we wert and unto dust we shalt return... having lost access to the Tree of Life and all. That’s a pretty consistent symbol, that dust stuff. He’s kind of a poet you could say. But now we’re dead as dust.
ADAM: Not yet we ain’t. And you can start by making better aprons to cover our... dust. Get sewin’! Didn’t you hear that part about your “desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall RULE OVER THEE.” Them are the rules, Babe! Aprons!
EVE: Oh, yeah. Well, did you hear that part about, “Cursed be the ground for thy sake. Thorns and thistles shall it bring thee, and by the sweat of thy brow shalt thou TILL THE GROUND, for dust thou art... etc.?”
ADAM: Yeah, I heard.
EVE: OK, then. Since I’m dust OF the ground and your apron is ON the ground... get tilling, Buster!