The Pot Thickens

Most families are happy with one dog, but no ... we have two. It’s a long story. One had lymphoma and was scheduled to croak so the breeder offered a free replacement... which Wifey readily accepted. Then Chester didn’t die ... so two. That’s the good news.

The bad news is they’re cocker spaniels. This is a popular breed, not too smart, but full of love. The downside ... as any vet will tell you ... is that cockers are INDISCRIMINATE EATERS. On our daily walk around the block, their noses are steadily to the ground poking under every bush and always coming up with something dead or rotten which they wolf down before you can haul them back and make them spit it out. At home they get the most exotic, canned dog food on the market ... salmon, beef, turkey, or chicken ... to no avail.

The upshot is they sometimes get sick at night and vomit on the carpet. If you insist on them sleeping in bed with you ... as Wifey does. (They’re really hers) ... it means they vomit on the bedroom carpet. To be fair, they always always get down and do not vomit in the bed ... just on the carpet. Our bedroom carpet is ... or was ... a nice eggshell white. The vomit is alternatively yellow with froth, tan with chunks, or dark brown with gravy. It must be wiped up and flushed at once, of course, but the stain in the morning is gruesome.

To handle the stains, five years ago we purchased an expensive rug shampoo vacuum that is heavy, uses special soap, and cleans quite well ... though pulling dog hair off the rollers afterward is a chore for someone.

“Get up! Get up!” Wifey will say shaking me awake. “That’s got to be cleaned up before it congeals!”

“Huh? What? What are you talking about? There’s nothing conjugal going on here!”

“Congeal! Congeal! Chester vomited!”

“Oh, swell. Dark brown with gravy,” says I, struggling up. “The pot thickens.”

So finally today Wifey says, “You know, I’m tired of pushing that heavy vacuum around. I think we should just get the bedroom re-carpeted.”

“You mean so they’d be vomiting on a new rug instead of old one? Is that a good idea?”

“The new carpet should be the color of the vomit.” (My hand to God again. I’m not inventing. That’s exactly what she said.)

“Oh, I see. So, but ... it would have to match the darkest vomit, right? Dark and gravyish?”


“Well, it’s your call, Sweetie. I have just one request. When the carpet salesman comes with his color samples, can I be there when you describe what you’re looking for?”